How You See It
by Vicky-V
Summary: Morgana gives Gwen the week of the jousting tournament off but it's far from enjoyable. GwenxMorgana, ArthurxGwen 2x02 fic.


**Ship:** GwenxMorgana, ArthurxGwen

**Rating:** G

**Notes:** Femmeslash, spoilers for episode 2x02. Written for a prompt over at a Dreamwidth community called camelot_fleet where I was challenged to write a GwenxMorgana tilt on 2x02. No, I don't take prompts. Only when I offer, which was the case for this.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing in connection with BBC's Merlin, nor do I make any money writing this fanfiction.

xxx

**How You See It**

Gwen's right hand was resting on the door handle to Morgana's chambers, but it was still. The perfectly crafted metal had quickly warmed underneath her touch but the chilled prickle in her back was still there, held by nerves. She didn't dare go in yet because throughout the walk from her home to where she stood now in the castle she had been unable to come up with a good excuse as to why she needed to go back home for the night. Since Morgana's nightmares suddenly resurfaced, Gwen had slipped back into the old routine of staying all night so that she could be there right away when Morgana woke up, quivering and screaming, and wrap her arms around her in comfort.

Time was wearing on, Gwen knew, and Arthur was sitting at her table back home, waiting. Gwen had said she would make dinner for him and now she was wondering why she made the offer instead of asking Merlin if there was anything he could do. In fact, she had gone back to wondering how Merlin had managed to so easily talk her into it in the first place.

Her mind was drawing a blank, trying to think of what she could come up with which wouldn't leave any clue that there was any guest in her home at all, let alone Arthur. Pressing her lips together firmly, Gwen counted to three in her head and then made herself raise her other arm to knock on the door.

"My lady?"

"Come."

It took another count of three in her head to make Gwen open the door and when she did the chill in her spine burst to spread into her whole body, making her fingers tingle and her mouth go dry. She still had no excuse, so was left having to hope it would suddenly come to her. The thought of Arthur sitting alone in her house, probably getting impatient, made her stomach knot with nerves.

When she entered Morgana's chambers, opening the door just enough to leave a gap for her to slip through, that lump in Gwen's stomach went up into her throat. Morgana was restlessly pacing on the other side of the room and looked towards Gwen as she stepped inside and closed the door. She smiled before looking away to gaze down at the floor. It was a brief smile but a strained one and Gwen had known Morgana long enough to recognise that right away. Morgana looked troubled with whatever thoughts were in her mind, so Gwen waited by the bedposts for them to perhaps become clearer. It also gave her a little bit more time to try thinking of that good excuse, but still nothing came to mind. Nothing she felt she could pull off. The very idea of having to lie to Morgana was something she detested. It made the fluttering feeling in her stomach hurt.

"Guinevere."

As Morgana said her name, Gwen's shoulders straightened and she felt concern start to chew away at her gut. Morgana rarely called her by her full name.

"My lady."

"Gwen, you're to go home tonight." Morgana stopped her pacing in front of the window and turned to face Gwen. Looking out of the window behind Morgana, Gwen briefly noted that evening was falling quickly before her full attention went back to her mistress. Or tried to. She was very aware that Arthur was still in her home and still waiting.

Then what Morgana had said suddenly hit her and those thoughts of Arthur left Gwen's mind. Suddenly thinking of an excuse didn't matter. But that worry lifting from her chest was replaced with an even heavier concern for Morgana. She was looking tired, the skin underneath of her eyes was dark and what made it worse was how easily Gwen could see through Morgana's held-back shoulders and raised chin. It just came naturally to her now. She could see the toll the nightmares were beginning to take again, how fearful they made Morgana, and suddenly leaving her didn't feel right at all. When Morgana woke in a panic during the night, who would be there for her? Who would hug her, gently stroke her hair and rub her arm to gently bring her back into the real world? The thought of Morgana alone and scared was something Gwen couldn't stand to think about.

She opened her mouth to begin an objection, not even really thinking about it, but Morgana got there first.

"You need your rest more than I," Morgana said. "You do so much for me alone, after all."

"And gladly," Gwen said. "It's because I want to."

"But you still need to sleep. And with Arthur gone for a few days, it's probably the best time to do so." Another smile came and went on Morgana's face, so quickly Gwen almost blinked and missed it. "Gwen, please go home to sleep for a few days. Gaius made me a new sleeping draught. I'm sure it'll be fine."

It wouldn't be and they both knew it. Gaius had produced mixture after mixture to keep Morgana's nightmares at bay but, for as long as Gwen had known it, none of them had truly worked.

Gwen felt unsure and she must have been showing it.

"In fact, I'd like you to take the week. Goodness knows you deserve some rest."

There was something cold punching at Gwen's gut. "I'm not sure."

"Please, Gwen." Morgana stepped forward and lightly touched Gwen's arm. "It's only a week and I shall be fine. In fact, I insist."

That was it. In her own gentle way, Morgana had the final word and it was never in Gwen to really argue against her. But she still hated even the very idea of turning around and walking from Morgana's chambers at this time of evening, when she should be brushing the tangles from her hair and putting away her clothes.

Looking at Morgana, Gwen could see how she too hated such a thing and how it was born through a growing desperation.

And there was Arthur, Gwen suddenly remembered again. Arthur would still be waiting.

"As you wish, my lady. Thank you," Gwen said, ducking her head in a quick bow as she did so. It felt so awkward and terrible and wrong, like she was a little serving girl cowering in front of a tyrant king when that wasn't the case at all.

The one thing which made the whole situation bearable was the small smile on Morgana's face and this time it was genuine. That was why Gwen found herself leaving the room with a little smile of her own. When Morgana smiled in that way, she just couldn't help but reflect it.

xxx

By the time Gwen reached her front door, the smile was gone. It still felt wrong to leave Morgana. She could just imagine her, with her legs tangled in the bed sheets and with her head thrashing back and forth on the pillows. She could practically hear the pained and scared whimpers slipping out from between Morgana's lips and every imagined one of them struck a blow to her chest. Gwen could so clearly picture the way Morgana's eyes would suddenly open but the nightmares would remain inside her vision. How her chest heaved as she gasped for air and how her voice sounded as though it were forced from her throat in panic as she called Gwen's name.

Morgana had said it was okay. But it wasn't and they both knew it. Gwen thought of turning around and going back, telling Morgana that, no, she was staying and then they could fall asleep together with their arms around each other, just as she liked. Just as they both liked.

Then she opened her front door, saw Arthur turn towards the sound and look at her and Gwen knew why she had to stay.

xxx

The new routine of the day didn't contain anything Gwen wasn't used to. Only this time it was Arthur she was bringing food to. Not Morgana. She was bringing Arthur some water so he may wash with it. Not Morgana. It was Arthur and then William she was helping to dress. Not Morgana, although she was glad Merlin was there at that stage to do most of the work. He was used to it, after all, but still appreciated the help. He told her so and Gwen found herself smiling because he was. But it still wasn't the same and she still wasn't completely happy with it.

By the time she was able to get away and take her seat ready for the jousting tournament to begin, Gwen found, with a sinking feeling in her chest, that a place had not been prepared for her beside Morgana. Of course, she realised, word would have gone into the right ears by now that Lady Morgana had given her maid a week of rest, so there was no need to prepare an extra place.

It was really no surprise to Gwen once she realised that but it didn't help the crushing feeling of disappointment one bit. Then she noticed that the closest seat to Morgana in the stands, the one which was inches away from her, was still empty, despite many around it being occupied. It was strange but instead of thinking too much about why, Gwen went right for it. When she sat down, she caught Morgana's eye, saw how she was smiling and suddenly knew why there had been nobody in that seat.

xxx

Tournaments definitely weren't the same, nor were they particularly enjoyable, when she couldn't observe them at Morgana's side. It was exciting, that much had to be said. It always fascinated Gwen as to what made a men charge each other on their horses and knock each other down with as much force as they could manage. Time after time she watched lances shatter and men fall to the ground, sometimes nearly getting crushed by the hooves of their own horses and sometimes with their arms or legs bent in a way which just didn't look right. Each time she heard the sound of the lances crashing against the knight's armour, Gwen felt her heart jump and her breath catch in her throat. Without thinking, she kept reaching out for Morgana, so used to feeling her cloak beneath her fingers and then her comforting hand squeezing lightly at her palm. But all Gwen kept touching was the wood of her seat and she would look down in a panic, wondering where Morgana was, before she remembered.

Gwen kept looking at Morgana but only twice did she manage to catch her eye. When Morgana smiled at her, Gwen returned the gesture but it came with a squeeze in her chest which was painful and made her wonder if she was about to cry.

When Morgana wasn't looking at her, Gwen continued to watch her anyway. She looked at the way her neck curved and then suddenly found herself aching as she remembered the way it smelled and how it tasted underneath her lips. She watched the way her hair caught the sun and knew how it felt underneath her fingertips and on her skin when Morgana fell asleep curled up beside her. She saw how the green cloak Morgana wore fell over her shoulders and knew how they curved, how they might hunch underneath Gwen's touch and then relax again.

Morgana was two, perhaps three, paces away. But Gwen had never felt so far from her.

When the first day of the tournament ended, Morgana had to leave with Uther. Gwen just had time to take one of the flowers she had woven into her own hair and managed to drop it into the hood of Morgana's cloak, hoping she would find it later.

xxx

The day before the final of the jousting tournament, Gwen found all the frustrations which had been building over the past few days spilling out of her mouth and towards Arthur. There was a small piece of common sense in the back of her mind, telling her that she should stop but for once in her life she ignored it. It was like there was something else which had possessed her mouth.

Gwen knew why and she told Arthur so. It was because he wanted to do this to prove that he was no different than any other man, yet he still expected special treatment. He just assumed she would make his meals, he just assumed he could take her bed and he just assumed that she and Merlin would have his clothes and armour ready for him the next day. Arthur just wasn't trying.

But there were also things she didn't tell Arthur. She didn't tell him how scared she was that Morgana had to go through her nightmares all alone. She didn't tell him how lonely she felt, sleeping on old sacks at the back of her own home and not being able to sit next to Morgana at the tournaments as she always had done before. She didn't tell him that she was only able to go to sleep at night when she wrapped her arms around herself, rested her hands on her shoulders and pretended it was Morgana's touch.

She didn't tell him because those were things which could only be between her and Morgana. That was how it always had been and how it would always continue.

xxx

When Arthur told Gwen that his father would never understand what happened between them, she accepted it. She's known her position all her life and understood that it was just something strange which wouldn't happen again.

Or she tried to understand. It still hurt.

When Morgana called her away, Gwen had never been happier to be going in the opposite direction to Arthur. She fell back into step beside her mistress and knew things would go back to normal. Arthur was back, William had gone home and Morgana's fingers lightly brushed against Gwen's as they walked.

She supposed she should be glad for all that. And she was. But somehow it still hurt.

When evening fell, Gwen found herself back in Morgana's chambers, sat in front of her on the bed. Morgana's fingers ran through her hair, gently pulling away all the tangles and knots as she slowly wound Gwen's hair into a braid.

It felt comfortable. They had done it so many times before and Gwen enjoyed the feeling of Morgana's fingers in her hair and brushing over the back of her neck. They talked as Morgana worked at Gwen's hair, just as they always did. They talked about all the things they usually would, but also about the jousting tournament and Morgana expressed some fondness for Sir William. It was a refreshing change, she said, to watch somebody other than Arthur win.

There was something in the way Morgana said it which made Gwen wonder if she knew the truth. But she didn't question it. Instead she told Morgana about how nice Sir William was. A lot like any other normal person instead of the arrogant pig knights could sometimes be.

The knot in her stomach, the one which was there because Arthur was still on her mind, remained and it twisted painfully when Gwen said that. But Morgana's fingers in her hair also felt as though they were slowly stroking that knot away.

When Morgana was done braiding Gwen's hair, she held up a hand mirror. Looking at her reflection within it, Gwen tilted her head and spotted the white flower which had been wound into her braid. It looked just like the one she had tossed into Morgana's hood at the tournament.

Then she turned round and discovered that Morgana had found that flower. Gwen could see it; small but perfect as it sat in Morgana's dark hair.

_**END**_


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